Mostly, stress caused the problem. Exam stress, homework stress, just a whole lot of stress, to be exact. It seemed like everything was bent on stressing me out. I felt useless in everything, berating myself, and threw an emotional tantrum. I didn't eat much during recess, I cried myself to sleep. I thought of, yes, using a penknife and cut myself, or grab a knife and jab it into my heart when it hurt so bloody much. I never did though, because I'm afraid of blood and all the pain it causes. Here's a rather crude thought, I rather be poisoined to death in my sleep, 'cause it won't hurt.
"I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard "
-Sarah Mclachan, I will remember you
It's exactly how I felt, so weak, so fragile, so useless. I thought no one really cared for me, there was no one I could really confide in, and to hug me and tell me that it was all right and comfort me. No one. When I really despaired for a hug, nobody was there. My heart hurt. It seemed that no one saw my sorrow and tried to help me. I felt useless, because no one really wanted me, loved me, really depended on me. I wanted to scream but no one seemed to bother.
"Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
-Sarah Mclachan, I will remember you"
Then it became funny. I realised that I can't die, I haven't done all that I want to do, to tour those countries I want, to publish a book and be an author, to have a dog, and many other dreams. I learnt to stop dwelling on bad memories and a lot more. It's a part of being more mature.
I don't know if you are reading this and it helps you but I hope it does. I wrote this down to let out my feelings and I got past the depression. Somtimes I still get it, but I rant it out. It feels better when you do.
posted by melodine @ 9:42 PM
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