Sucide. Has anyone of you ever thought of this? But, yes, I have thought about dying before.
Mostly, stress caused the problem. Exam stress, homework stress, just a whole lot of stress, to be exact. It seemed like everything was bent on stressing me out. I felt useless in everything, berating myself, and threw an emotional tantrum. I didn't eat much during recess, I cried myself to sleep. I thought of, yes, using a penknife and cut myself, or grab a knife and jab it into my heart when it hurt so bloody much. I never did though, because I'm afraid of blood and all the pain it causes. Here's a rather crude thought, I rather be poisoined to death in my sleep, 'cause it won't hurt.
"I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard "
-Sarah Mclachan, I will remember youIt's exactly how I felt, so weak, so fragile, so useless. I thought no one really cared for me, there was no one I could really confide in, and to hug me and tell me that it was all right and comfort me. No one. When I really despaired for a hug, nobody was there. My heart hurt. It seemed that no one saw my sorrow and tried to help me. I felt useless, because no one really wanted me, loved me, really depended on me. I wanted to scream but no one seemed to bother.
"Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
-Sarah Mclachan, I will remember you"Then it became funny. I realised that I can't die, I haven't done all that I want to do, to tour those countries I want, to publish a book and be an author, to have a dog, and many other dreams. I learnt to stop dwelling on bad memories and a lot more. It's a part of being more mature.
I don't know if you are reading this and it helps you but I hope it does. I wrote this down to let out my feelings and I got past the depression. Somtimes I still get it, but I rant it out. It feels better when you do.
Crummy week, crummy mood...
I mean like, on the first day of school, it already sucked. First period was PE. And when we got down, teacher told us to get ready to run 2.4! I mean, we were as ready as a tiger expecting a rabbit to kill it! So, since I don't really excerise and has as little stamina as a tortoise, I was one of the last and my feet ached like crazy and my breath came out like gasps. My legs were like jelly and my cheeks burned. And if that wasn't enough, we had to do push ups on the road(as in the rocky, tarred road cars travel on) and our hands had red imprints from the rocks on them until they looked like fossils. (Just exaggerating, really.)
Then, this week, we got back our Common Test results. Quite disappointing, really, that I failed two sciences and got long lectures from my mum. I think she wants me to take tuition. *sighs*
Just for fun XD
| Your Hair Should Be Pink |
Hyper, insane, and a boatload of fun.
You're a traveling party that everyone loves to follow. |
Pink? *laughs* There's no way I'm dying my hair THAT colour.
| You Were a Swan |
You are a spiritual soul who sees into the future.
You are also good at interpreting dreams - those of yourself and others. |
I'm a swan? Cool!
| The Keys to Your Heart |
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now. |
Is this true? Maybe, maybe not...
